Spoilers below.

Tyler: Oh, Norman.

Norman: Oh, Tyler.

Tyler: We’ve got ourselves into a bit of a pickle, have we. 

Francis Ford Coppola wrote, directed, and financed a grand finale of a cinematic—gulp—fable.

The movie is called Megalopolis.

You and I have both now watched it, my friend, within the holy air of theaters. I’ve had a couple of days to think the film over.

I can’t find a place to begin.

Norman: Let’s start with a note of appreciation. 

Coppola has swung for the fences. And he didn’t bet on this with someone else’s money. He took that Coppola wine money and poured it into a retro-futurist cinematic opera that is conceptually bold, visually dazzling, and otherwise disorienting. 

Whatever else we might have to say about this movie, I love that he did this. This is the brash, bold Coppola that made Apocalypse Now, and I love it. 

Megalopolis, however, is not Apocalypse Now.

Tyler: Hear hear on all your notes of praise for Coppola. He deserves barrels of plaudits, putting his money into something so out-there and personal. Movies like Megalopolis don’t get made by studios in the 2020s.

Norman: I’d rather see Megalopolis than the next [checks notes] Joker w/ French title.

Tyler: Y’know, I don’t think there’s gonna be another Joker. That movie has people worked up. Or, holding onto their money.

They did the same with Megalopolis, as well, though. Coppola’s Herculean effort did not bear box office fruit. Damn shame, really.

Norman: It’s understandable. Coppola had to know that he wasn’t making money on a movie quoting Hamlet by way of the Roman Empire in New York City with Aubrey Plaza doing her best version of a pre-code harlot.

Tyler: What a stew he put together, ol’ Francis. My goodness.

Norman: What is this movie about? What does Francis want to say to us?

Tyler: He wants to portray the torture, mania, obsession, and genius it takes to make masterpieces.

Norman: Caesar (Adam Driver) = Francis Ford Coppola.

Tyler: You ruined it! You spoiled the surprise!

Norman: Okay, but I have no idea who any of the other characters correspond to in real life, so if you want to decode this one, there’s plenty to do!

Tyler: Vesta! What virginal pop super-icon could FFC be aping?

Writing about sex and portraying strong independent women are not among Francis Ford Coppola’s strengths.

Norman: But ambition, creative process, and backstabbing politics are totally in his wheelhouse! 

Coppola is making a movie about making masterpieces, but this movie is also about the possibility of utopia. It seems vaguely hopeful, but I can’t quite tell why.

Tyler: Well, in the end, utopia wins, if only until they freeze time and the infant takes control. Twist!

I don’t want to be snarky about Megalopolis. It deserves so much better than that. But its missteps are many.

There’s a self-loathing to his portrayal of attractive women coupling with each other. “Are you still into girls?”, a reporter asks our heroine. This is ugly stuff.

Norman: It’s mostly just clunky. You get the sense that these actors have signed on because who doesn’t want to be in Coppola’s latest adventure? But it didn’t seem like they knew what to do with themselves. The dialogue is barely passable and the scenarios are out to lunch.

Tyler: It ain’t great.

Jon Voight, looking all of 110 years old, happy to be alive, let alone essaying a pivotal role in the film of its creator’s lifetime.

Norman: Don’t forget Dustin Hoffman off there in the corner!

Tyler: So distracting!

Norman: As a personal aside, though I know getting these actors might have helped with some funding, I always find that this kind of casting takes me out of the movie. You don’t have enough time to forget that that’s Shia LaBeouf or Laurence Fishburne before they are gone.

Tyler: That’s a perfectly valid note of contention. It’s stunt casting.

Norman: Again, I know this is how Wes Anderson and some other directors get funded, but UGH.

Tyler: Wes Anderson has a far keener eye for it than Coppola does. Anderson’s use of familiar faces can be elegant.

Norman: True.

Is Megalopolis worth watching? 

Will we feel differently about it after we reach utopia?

Tyler: It’s a bummer, all of this. I can’t in good conscience recommend it to anyone looking for an outing that costs a bunch of money. It’s a confounding, frustrating experience.

Norman: A movie for the Coppola completists?

Tyler: Talk about a stirring recommendation. “See this one outta obligation!”

Norman: As a long-time cinephile, I did feel a sense of obligation when I bought my ticket. I don’t regret the experience exactly, but it’s not for everyone.

Tyler: One positive thing I will say. Coppola got me with the scene where Driver gets shot. That was a masterfully arranged sequence, and the surprise is a very, very powerful one.

There’s a later scene, I believe in a subway car, that generates that classic Godfather tension. Like Michael enlisting Enzo the baker.

Norman: I was taken with the set design from the beginning of the movie. There was always something fascinating to look at. That scaffolding scene with the model of the city was something!

Tyler: Lots to look at, indeed. There’s no lack of visual imagination throughout.

Norman: It’ll probably get at least nominated for a costume award at the Oscars, too.

Tyler: It might get a Best Picture nod out of sheer respect.

I wish it was worthy of that categorization.

Norman: Haha. There are up to ten nomination spots now, so why not?

It’ll get nominated for something, and when it does, someone will have to remind Chloe Fineman that she was in it, so she can attend.

Tyler: Fineman had emerged as a fine impressionist when last I regularly watched Saturday Night Live. She did not register for me here.

Norman: Well, she was nearly an extra! 

If Francis makes another movie, she should get a bigger part.

Tyler: Think he’d take another crack at it? Soderbergh could help him punch up a script.

That’s whimsy on my part.

Norman: He’s only 85. He could probably do one more, but if I were him, I’d just sit back and watch the sun set at my winery.

Tyler: We should encourage him to do that, and not because Megalopolis doesn’t work. The guy made The Godfather, The Conversation, and The Godfather Part II in rapid succession. He nearly lost himself making Apocalypse Now. You’ve given us plenty, Francis!

Norman: We’ve always got Martin Scorsese out there making movies until he falls into his grave.

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