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A conversation between Tyler and Writers’ Loom contributor Norman.

Tyler: Norman, I’ve known you for some time.  We’ve sat and talked of many things.  You’re a pious man, a thoughtful child of God.  I have to ask you, then, with those deep conversations and your faith in mind—how did He let Flamin’ Hot Mountain Dew happen?

Norman: You know, I’ve been teaching a class on the Minor Prophets recently and this is the exact kind of question they ask of God. Why? What are you doing? How could your purity of being allow such a thing? 

The answer is: I have no idea how God could allow it, but he did and we have to deal with it now.

Tyler: Thus we go forth.

Before we take the plunge or, sigh, do the Dew, I figure we should establish existing soda preferences, as well as our personal relationship to Mountain Dew proper.

So what say you, N?  Do you enjoy a good solid sugary beverage?

Norman: Pop, as we say where I come from, is my thing. I don’t smoke, don’t drink alcohol, or do drugs. But I drink way more pop than I should. 

My favorite is cream soda, then vanilla Coke/Pepsi. Dr. Pepper, Squirt, and Guarana, a South American pop, rounds out my top five.

Tyler: In my youth I would tear through regular Coke, most notably at sleepovers, staying up scandalously late and guzzling the stuff.

These days, I keep some Cherry Coke or some regular around, as a kind of treat at the end of a typical day of caffeination. On occasion, too, I stash hifalutin’ bottles of black cherry soda. Sprite is tremendous, and offers real solace when I’m under the weather. I can’t bring myself to mainline the stuff—that’s my coffee and iced tea routine—but I don’t see much harm in one or even an impish two at a time.

Dew I haven’t had in one, maybe two decades. It never struck my fancy. Always felt so…I dunno. Chemical-y. Artificial. Maybe the color freaked me out. Silly, as it’s not like the dark hue of a Coca-Cola is any less artificial.

Norman: Yeah, Dew’s color seems unnatural, the kind of color you might find in a rainforest or a tropical island, but not distilled in a bottle at the gas station. The taste is okay, but nothing I crave. It’s always been about caffeine. What energy drinks are to the kids today, Mtn Dew is to me forever and always. 

They’ve been DEWing a lot of new flavors in the past few years, most of which are better than the original. I like Voltage (blue) and Major Melon quite a bit.

Tyler: Do the other flavors taste at all like basic Dew?  Or are they altogether different flavors that are gathered under the Dew name?

Norman: There’s a basic Dewness to each flavor but with variance.

Tyler: Gotcha. For the sake of fairness, I have a standard one on hand to set my palate right.

Norman: Are you ready to try Flamin’ Hot?

Tyler: Let’s do this. Bottle or can?

Norman: I have a 20 oz. bottle.

Tyler: Gonna take a swig of the original first.

Norman: You Dew your thing.

Tyler: Hm. Milder than I expected/remembered. It doesn’t revolt me like I thought it might. The original.

Norman: Mountain Dew’s reputation precedes it.

Tyler: Well, I just opened my 12-ounce can of Flamin’ Hot.

Norman: Okay, I’m opening my bottle. Taking a first swig.

Tyler: Cheers.

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Tyler: The fuck was that?

Norman: I could feel that Dew flavor at first, but it got washed out pretty quickly and now there’s a tingling on the roof of my mouth.

Tyler: I felt the heat in the back of my throat, like I was starting to develop a headcold.

The flavor tastes like Dew? I need another sip.

Norman: Only at first.

The spiciness is there, but I can’t detect the lime depicted on the label.

Tyler: This is such an odd beverage.

Is there a film on the top of my mouth?

Norman: Yes, probably.

I felt warmth on my shoulders.

This drink is not right.

Tyler: I’m gonna take a big swig of regular Dew and then follow it up with the Flamin’. I am so confused.

Is there much of a difference at all, flavor-wise? Have I lost my mind?

I keep smacking my lips like a horse.

Norman: The flavor is starting to die down in my mouth. I’m not sure I want to take another swig.

Tyler: You still on just one? I’ve had a few slugs of it.

Norman: I have consumed about 10 oz. I can’t go further.

Tyler: What’s got you revolted? Let’s break this down.

Norman: I don’t like how it sticks on the back of my throat and roof of my mouth.

Tyler: The roof of my mouth, man!  Did I just drink from a wax warmer?

How did the flavor hit you?

Norman: The initial blast was kind of like regular Dew, but as soon as it hits the roof of my mouth and back of the throat I get the spicy. It’s really odd to me that I can’t detect the spicy flavors in any other part of my mouth.

Tyler: The more I drink, the less I feel the heat.

Norman: Okay, I’m going back in. I’m going to take four or five chugs and see what that does.

Tyler: Pray first.

Norman: I forgot.

Tyler: There’s not much there, right? There’s a bit of weirdness going on in the back of my throat, but it’s not like the satisfying heat of a fiery curry or something.

Norman: Right. A friend described as being like one of those cinnamon candy balls. That makes sense to me, but it’s not Flamin’ Hot.

Tyler: I just belched deeply and felt the slightest burn.

What foods would go with this thing?  Any?

Norman: Cheetos? Taco Bell?

Not any real food.

Tyler: Woof.

I don’t think I can recommend this thing to anybody in good conscience.  Money wasted, if I may be so bold.

Norman: I’m not surprised at our verdict. Mtn Dew brands itself as the crazy/rad pop, but they went too far with this one.

It is only a limited time flavor, though. Per their website.

Tyler: Good. Because this is fucking heartburn without the feast.